I really don’t know clouds at all; the Perspective Altering Power of Separation

As a family law attorney, I’m ever conscious of the fact that I deal with, in fact, profit from, others’ brokenness.  In a world where couples remain together, and don’t become abusive, don’t drift apart, don’t abuse drugs and alcohol, don’t chase the next hottest thing, don’t change their jobs…their minds, my job would not exist. But it does exist.

Brokenness exists.  I enter the scene most often post-separation. I am a later player in my clients’ saga from relative happiness to brokenness.  Whether it’s divorce, or custody, or even adoptions, the genesis of most every case can be tracked to separation.

But while a court case starts there, my client’s story begins earlier; when a couple is together and relatively happy as a unit…before the brokenness.

Before separation my client had a different perspective on the world, but post-separation that perspective completely changes as life itself is different.

Joni Mitchell’s song “Both Sides Now” hits deep for me. To me it’s an anthem for everyone that has lost someone, not from death, but from separation. I urge you to listen to it, right now, then come back to this post and finish reading.

As Joni begins, she describes how she looked, past tense, at clouds:

Rows and flows of angel hair
And ice cream castles in the air
And feather canyons everywhere
Looked at clouds that way

But her perspective has suddenly changed, and now clouds are not whimsical and awe-inspiring:

But now they only block the sun
They rain and they snow on everyone
So many things I would have done
But clouds got in my way

In the next verse, she is not even sure what she saw was real, but an illusion:

I’ve looked at clouds from both sides now
From up and down and still somehow
It’s cloud illusions I recall
I really don’t know clouds at all

Lest you think this song is really about weather, she laments that she also looked at love the way she looked at clouds:

Moons and Junes and Ferris wheels
The dizzy dancing way that you feel
As every fairy tale comes real
I’ve looked at love that way

But just like clouds brought happiness and then brought rain, love was a fairy tale until…it wasn’t:

But now it’s just another show
And you leave ‘em laughing when you go
And if you care, don’t let them know
Don’t give yourself away

I’ve looked at love from both sides now
From give and take and still somehow
It’s love’s illusions that I recall
I really don’t know love
I really don’t know love at all

This is where many clients are when they come to my office. They are questioning more than their actions but love itself, and if what they perceived as love was reality. And this influences them to their core. Like Joni Mitchell they don’t appreciate life as they once did; they don’t see clouds as “feather canyons” but as instruments of rain and snow.

Why should a family law attorney care about the person pre-separation? There are many reasons, but most fundamentally, better understanding creates better counsel, better negotiation and better advocacy.

I can help a client see that separation is clouding (pardon the pun) their judgement. I can also attempt to put my clients’ story in more of a sympathetic light for a judge or jury. I can attempt to convince a judge that past transgressions were bumps in the road, not indicative of the road ahead.

Instead of talking down to a client, by understanding their past and their current grief, I can reach them where they are in their stage of grief and help them make head decisions and not heart decisions.

But it’s the person pre-separation that can be hardest to tease out. The states of grief  include denial and anger, making it difficult to get a true feel for someone while they are in these stages. But to help clients get to that next stage in life, they must realize loss itself is a part of life.

As Joni finishes “Both Sides Now” she seems to accept that with something lost something is gained, and that she doesn’t know life itself at all:

Oh, but now old friends, they’re acting strange
And they shake their heads and they tell me that I’ve changed
Well, something’s lost, but something’s gained
In living every day

I’ve looked at life from both sides now
From win and lose and still somehow
It’s life’s illusions I recall
I really don’t know life at all

It’s life’s illusions that I recall
I really don’t know life
I really don’t know life at all

I’ve looked at love from both sides now
From give and take and still somehow
It’s love’s illusions that I recall
I really don’t know love
I really don’t know love at all

Tears and fears and feeling proud
To say, “I love you, ” right out loud
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds
I’ve looked at life that way

Oh, but now old friends, they’re acting strange
And they shake their heads and they tell me that I’ve changed
Well, something’s lost, but something’s gained
In living every day

I’ve looked at life from both sides now
From win and lose and still somehow
It’s life’s illusions I recall
I really don’t know life at all

It’s life’s illusions that I recall
I really don’t know life
I really don’t know life at all